Few things shock the eyes like the quintessential extreme couple. I’m talking about an aged, well-heeled gentleman with an extremely young woman on his arm. Extremely young. The age difference runs into the 50s or more. Now and then you run across such a pair. He, teetering along. She, paying oh so much attention to him. Doting. It all seems, well, it seems fake. So out of place. And preposterous. And when you run across a herd of these couples, it makes you shake your head. Such was my fate a few weeks back.

I had the occasion to attend a fancy fundraiser where high rollers gather to rub elbows, see their names on a monstrous TV screen, and mutually admire one another when the truth is they loathe one another. And among this glut of wealthy folks (Well perhaps not. Stone-broke folks do like to keep up pretenses), odd couple after odd couple creaked by my table. I had a front row seat to quite a spectacle.

What is it about people that when they’re at their best they are at their worst as well.

I really can’t decide what was worse. The offensive hairstyles or the skin-covered balloons many of which seemed on the verge of bursting. There were comb-overs aplenty. And the toupees? Unbelievable. Folks, it’s a sad day when a man of wealth and distinction parades around with an upside-down Cactus Wren nest squashed down on his head. And the parts in some toupees. Think of a gaping busted zipper or a row in a cornfield.

And the young girls spending the old fellow’s money. It doesn’t go to their head. It goes to their chest. Do they really think they fool everyone? Do the old dudes with bad hair think they’ve got people fooled too? Nothing is as blind as vanity is it.

Applaud December-June couples all you want. Not me. When I see Old Man Winter plodding along with Miss Spring on his arm, I see storm clouds over the horizon. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what’s down the road. It does take, however, a songwriter to capture it oh so perfectly. In a great moment of truth, one of those instants when the brain seizes on an indisputable truth, the Eagles found inspiration to write “Lyin Eyes.”

The moment came at a time when the Eagles were a struggling band in Los Angeles. Seeing beautiful women around Hollywood was commonplace. Even more commonplace were gorgeous young women married to older, wealthy men. It became a sort of joke. Now and then, in moments of reflection, band members mulled over the notion of whether such women were truly happy.

One night, members of what would become one of the 80’s ultrasuccessful bands were drinking in a bar. A stunning young woman sauntered in. Two steps behind her a much older, obese, fellow waddled in. As the band half laughed at this cultural caricature of sorts, one of the Eagles said, “Look at her. She can’t even hide those lying eyes!” Right away, they grabbed cocktail napkins to write lyrics for what proved to be an exceptional song.

“City girls just seem to find out early/How to open doors with just a smile

A rich old man/And she won’t have to worry/She’ll dress up all in lace and go in style/

Late at night a big old house gets lonely/I guess ev’ry form of refuge has its price/

And it breaks her heart to think her love is/Only given to a man with hands as cold as ice.”

Sounds easy. A rich geezer catches the eye of a babe with bucks in her pupils and off they head to Paradise. Won’t last. There’s trouble in Paradise and here’s why. Dating younger women may make an old goat feel younger, but it doesn’t make him younger. I suppose it makes him feel good, and she feels secure. It’s a win-win scenario, but it has a hollow ring to it.

Old men and young women practice a symbiotic arrangement. In plain talk, they use each other. It’s a business arrangement. When I see these extreme couples I think of one of nature’s classic symbiotic relationships: the hermit crab and the sea anemone. Each needs what the other offers. For one it’s shelter. For the other it’s food. And so a beautiful anemone ends up with an old crab. At least that attraction lasts.

Not so the winter-spring duo. Sure, he’s got money, possessions, influence, and security. And yes she’s young and beautiful but watch what happens when the money runs out or a richer crab comes along. She’ll break the lease, leaving him with an empty shell.

Perhaps I am too cynical. Of course she loves him because he’s tolerant of her youthful extravagance and he’s kind, and so smarter than men her age. I’m sure his millions never entered the picture. Let’s be real. I don’t see beautiful young women with penniless old men. Do you?

Still, we see extreme couples over and over despite the fact it’s a union programmed for disaster. Let’s peep in the window of one such couple, the Warbucks. It’s 9 o’clock in the evening. Daddy Warbucks, with pajamas Hugh Hefner would kill for, is asleep in his $3,000 cashmere recliner. A book, War and Remembrance, rests in his lap. He better study up on war all right because soon remembrance is all he’ll have. His little starlet, Wanda Warbucks, has her dancing shoes on. She’s dressed to the nines and heading out for some nightlife.

It’s a classic confrontation: his golf cart versus her Corvette. I make fun of this cultural phenomenon to entertain you, but it’s a serious matter. Health issues arise for the man, and for the extreme couples who make it, some young women find themselves in the unenviable position of putting diapers on young children. And their husbands.

No one is spared in this seedy little drama. It can turn out badly for the young woman. An older woman who had traveled a glittering road of riches to no avail had some advice for a young woman about to marry an old codger. “Be careful. Some day you will be where I am, passed by men my age all the time. When I was young, I thought older men loved me for myself, not my youth,” she said. “Now that I’m older, I’m invisible to men my age. I look back and realize how important my youthfulness was to old men. I was more sought after as a young woman than as a mature woman. All this makes me doubt the truth of true love.”

Sad.

Extreme couples. It’s a roll of the dice. The queen of hearts hooks up with the king of diamonds. In the end, the glitter fades and a lot of kings end up jokers. But other old men with money are waiting and willing to be had. Like shark teeth as soon as one old guy dies, another one moves up to take his place. A means to an end ... yet another a business deal takes place ... for a while. That’s what it’s about for many of these extreme couples, a deal.

Email Tom with feedback and ideas for new columns. tompol @earthlink.net