TMI!

For those of you born before 1970, that stands for Too Much Information and I've determined that's what we've been getting in TV commercials the last few years. Waaay too much information.

I have had a belly full of distasteful commercials, particularly the ones that apply to our more personal physical habits and maladies.

Time was when an upset stomach was the limit television producers would go to to sell personal products. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, and old Speedy would have you fixed up with just a quick swallow of Alka Seltzer, and in less than 30 seconds, too.

Not anymore. There aren't any commercials today that last under a minute and most are longer than that. And, trust me, I don't want to spend a minute of my time, or any of it for that matter, hearing about Mona's "embarrassing bladder problem."

There's Mona, teaching away in her classroom when the "urge" hits her. With all manner of facial contortions she begins thinking to herself, "Oh my, how am I ever going to last until the bell rings!"

Then we see poor Mona, running out of the classroom past her students and into the restroom where, incidentally, she stops long enough to have a prolonged conversation with the "woman" painted on the door.

I didn't want to know about Mona's "problem" in the first place and now I have to watch her have an out-of-body experience with an inanimate object! This could just as well be an advertisement for another type of health aid, for Mona clearly is, just a wee bit, psychotic.

Then there are the commercials for something that should never be discussed in mixed company or in polite conversation. I won't mention it other than to say one of its side effects lasts four hours. That in itself should prevent you from touching the stuff but no, it can also cause blindness and/or deafness. Can you believe this??

I am sick of pharmaceutical companies that insist on telling me about pink, green, and purple pills that will cure rashes and other disgusting symptoms in people's nether regions. As one of my favorite movie characters once said, "It ain't fittin,' it just ain't fittin.'"

I'm tired of commercials that want to sell me things that will make me younger. I'm sixty years old. I can deal with that. And anyway, what's the point of paying for a face cream that costs an arm and a leg (sorry, that's just what came to mind) if the rest of me still looks like a dried apple doll?

Besides, as I mentioned, the side effects of most of the pills and potions pushed on television can cause, among other things, dizziness, kidney or liver failure, welts, pocks, paralysis, stray hair growth, lisps, increased appetite or, another annoying symptom, death. I don't know about you but I'll take the stuffy nose, wrinkled skin, leaky bladder, or irregularity anytime.

How I long for my old friends, the Jolly Green Giant, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Mikey, Mr. Whipple, and Charlie the Tuna. They never made me nauseous, terrified, depressed, or embarrassed me in front of the preacher.

I am not a prude nor are my sensibilities offended very often but television has gotten out of hand. We have come from the era where Lucy Ricardo was not even allowed to say she was "pregnant" on the air to the present time where STDs are discussed in detail on TV, and while I'm trying to eat my supper!

And if it weren't enough that "Viva Viagra" has mutilated a really good Elvis tune, other commercials have taken songs we've loved over the years and have begun using them as soundtracks to such products as Cialis, Valtrex, and Pepto Bismol.

Listen dear hearts, I'm mad as heck and I'm not going to take it any more! I'm firing off e-mails to anyone and everyone who produces all those vile commercials and I'm telling them I won't buy a single thing they advertise until they exhibit a little decency in selling them.

There comes a time when one has to stand up and be counted and this, in my humble but accurate opinion, is one of those times. Voice your opinion, whether it agrees with mine or not. Let the television executives know how you feel and what you are willing to tolerate.

If it works, great. If it doesn't, you'll feel better knowing you made the effort.

Follow Nike's lead: JUST DO IT.