Dear Hearts and Gentle People

I was having a nice lunch with my mother and son a couple of weeks ago when a friend at a nearby table startled me by asking what I thought was a very personal question.

"Mickie, are you and Alex divorced?" he asked matter-of-factly. I choked on a green bean, then said with a little snicker, "We weren't this morning when I left home but it's still early yet."

He didn't laugh.

"Well, I just wondered," he said, "I see you around a lot but I hardly ever see him with you."

I suppose I could have told him that I had already made the assumption he and his wife were both dead since I hardly ever saw either one of them, but I didn't. I understood what he was getting at and, while blunt, it was an honest question to which I think I gave an honest answer.

It also gave me pause to think. Haven't you noticed that sometimes couples who have been married 40, 50, 60 years, while they still are madly in love, rarely go out in public together? What I mean by that is this: As men age they develop a deep and abiding fondness for recliners, especially soft, cushy ones, and women, whose hormones have been rebooted around menopause suddenly start flitting around like flies on a turd.

Add this to the fact that men are notoriously un-fond of weddings, showers, birthday parties, and social gatherings of any kind, and you have what I like to call, a marriage that has been tested and will last to the end of time.

Men and women who have been married a long time have done all the couple stuff; they have partied, they have hosted, they have vacationed, they have raised families and have traveled just about as far as they desire. At about the 40th year, marriage pretty much settles down to a warm pleasant daily social exchange over two or three meals a day. In other words, being with one another becomes as comfortable as, well...an old pair of shoes.

It has been said that after a time, men and their wives begin to resemble one another in appearance. I'm not so sure about that but I do know that their individual likes and dislikes have merged and they agree more often than they disagree. They have developed common physical mannerisms and often find themselves finishing one another's sentences. It becomes that wonderful time in a marriage when you are 100% sure you will remain with your partner for life.

"Don't expect me to ever marry again," snaps my husband of 40 years. "I've put in way too much time training you, why would I ever want to do all that over again?" I could say the same, and have.

Despite the fact both of us made a vow the day we married to stick together in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death do us part, and during football season, we have never once in forty years considered divorce an option... murder yes...but not divorce.

I've been thinking about this a couple of days now and, to make it clear to the public when they see me sans my spouse, I have made a list of reasons I will never divorce my husband:

1. I've invested too much time, effort, and emotion into this relationship.

(In forty years of marriage, we have spent 350632.511 hours together and have made and spent thousands of dollars trying to house, clothe, feed, raise, and educate two sons, so we've made a pretty big investment during our years together. As one fellow put it, "You wouldn't walk away from a successful business, would you?" Well, I'm not going to either.)

2. I don't want to ever date again.

(Way too much work trying to be someone you aren't, and you're always being rated, like on the Gong Show. Plus, it's way too creepy to imagine myself with anyone other man other than the one I married.)

3. I'm not too crazy about sexually transmitted diseases.

(That's one of the perks of being in a monogamous relationship. One man. One woman. Faithful for life. No diseases. It's a good thing.)

4. I still love the old coot.

(There have been times when I'd have traded him for a coke and a pack o' peanuts but after all this time, I think I'll keep him.)

5. I'm not into dying prematurely.

(I've turned down too many desserts and put my poor body through too many aerobics classes to die of a divorce. And yes, according to a survey by the Journal of American Health, divorce is comparable to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day! And those who divorced had a 40% greater risk of dying prematurely than those who are steadily married. So I'll stick with my bran cereal and with the same guy who's been sitting across the table from me for forty years.)

6. We have a history together.

(Our shared history is part of the reason each of us is who we are today. We do not and cannot share that in the same way with any other human being.)

7. For the kids.

(Yes, it may be a little cliche, and a little silly, since our children are both grown but ask anybody, child or adult, and he/she will tell you it's nice to get together with the two people who created you. It's been proven that children live healthier and longer lives when their parents get and stay married.)

8. He's good to me.

(Again, our marriage is far from perfect but I can think of very few times he hasn't gotten me what I've asked for….within reason, of course. The swimming pool and paved driveway were nixed right away, but I suffered no lingering emotional effects from the refusal. My needs, however, have always been met.)

9. He's pretty cute.

(Okay, so his hair's turned gray; at least it hasn't turned loose. Thanks to his passion for running he's still as slim and trim as the day I married him. Can't hear well and vision fading, which may account for the fact he thinks I'm cute, too.)

10. We share a common faith.

(Numerous studies have shown that couples who share a love for God have a stronger love for each other. Besides, I learned the 10 commandments when I was just a child and haven't forgotten a one of the "Thou shalt nots.")

Dear hearts, I don't have to tell you that there is no perfect marriage, for there are no perfect people. If you find a perfect marriage, rest assured one of the partners is deaf, the other blind.

Married love at some point ceases to be a feeling and becomes a commitment (the 'til death do us part' stuff)

So, friends, should you see one of us, hubby or me, and not the other, just assume we're still together, that one of us has passed on, or that one of us has made good on his murder threat.

Get married. Stay married. What a concept.