Dear Hearts and Gentle People

Sunday, February 3, 2008. A day that will live in infamy.

Rising early, I put on a pot of coffee, mixed up some bran muffins, and placed a card next to hubby's coffee mug. I could hear the shower running so I hurriedly finished setting the table with little red glasses filled with juice next to colorful plates and matching napkins, then sat back and waited for the celebration.

Hubby emerged from the bedroom looking refreshed and, I thought, unusually cheerful. All smiles, he pecked me on the cheek, picked up his mug and poured himself a cup of coffee.

"What's the occasion?" he asked, as he glanced over the table at the good china and cloth napkins.

"Yeah, right," I said. "Like you don't know!"

"I really don't," he insisted. "Somebody's birthday? You been watchin' Paula Dean again?"

"Okay, smart alec," I went on, "you know good and well what today is."

He scrunched his eyebrows like he was thinking hard, walked over to the sink and looked out the window.

"Oh!!" he exclaimed. "Now I remember! It's Super Bowl Sunday!"

Someone once said: Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's the wife's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Obviously, I'm not done stomping.

Sunday, by the way, was our fortieth wedding anniversary. Fortieth. Yeah, I know. It shocks the heck out of me, too. Forty years with one man is a long time. In all fairness, he would agree that forty years with me hasn't been all Disney World and Breyers Ice Cream either. Hey, we've actually had a pretty good go at it all these years and, were we given the choice to do it all over again, and under heavy medication, we probably would.

We've talked about it lots of times, the fact that we were just children when we married. Both 19 years old, we didn't have a clue what marriage was all about.....shoot, we still don't.

George Bernard Shaw described marriage as the time "when two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part." Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Recall the aura, the ecstacy, the perfectness of your wedding day. The vows are meticulously and faultlessly repeated. A stimulating honeymoon reinforces the idealistic glow. Nothing could ever alter the thrill of this hallowed occasion.

Then comes reality. The couple soon realizes marriage is not an ongoing celebration of celestial dimensions. It's a life-long process of down to earth hard work....but worth every drop of sweat it produces.

Even so, when your fairy tale seems less like Cinderella and more like Nightmare on Elm Street, you might tend to despair, so here are some helpful hints I recently came across that might make you see marriage in a whole new light. I'm calling them:

Stuff Nobody Ever Tells You About Marriage:

1. Someday you will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Who is this person? Will this last forever?

When you get married you think that, as long as you married that perfect mate, you'll be happy til you die. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every minute of every day. In fact, some days you may say to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for!

Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it back when you were playing smacky mouth and cramming cake into each other's faces. The reality is that your relationship mettle is tested most in the hard times, in the day-today togetherness. And once you let go of the fairytale you'll find that marriage isn't a destination, it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium. In fact, when you let go of all your hokey expectations and realize that, though it's hard and it's frustrating, marriage is better than any fairy tale!

2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.

People say, "Marriage takes work" and it does, but it's more complicated than that. Human beings are not simple creatures. Your mate has mysterious unplumbed depths, and so do you. Marriage is advanced-course material...graduate level studies. And every time you think you've mastered the material, your mate will change. The real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe wake up even madder).

I'm sorry. It's the truth. Even when you manage to stay focused and on topic on a disagreement, there are some fights that just stubbornly refuse to die before bedtime. Forget that old kiss-and-make-up stuff. Let your emotions settle a bit. Sometimes it really is better just to "sleep on it."

4. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

Okay, so you are a know-it-all. You just have to be right all the time. Listen, I've got news for you. In some disagreements there is no right and wrong. Most of the time, there is simply his way of looking at things and your way of looking at them. There's a lot to be said for compromise. Listen to the other's point of view and he'll be more likely to listen to your's. Try that a few times and you'll find you don't need to prove how right you are anymore.

5. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

My daddy used to say that when a husband and wife agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary. Makes sense to me. It's okay to have a big, fat fight now and then. When you do, you not only raise your voices but you raise real (sometimes buried) issues that need to be dealt with. Arguments don't have to break us. They can make us stronger.

6. You'll realize you can only change yourself.

There's something in us that causes us to believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit more perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but we are convinced that we are doing the right thing. Whatever our motives, it's exhausting. And stripping a man of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies is impossible. Sooner or later you'll realize it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

7. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out of what you're really made.

All of us have trust issues. Control issues. Past issues. Present issues. You know, soon after you marry and he's supposed to be home for supper at six and it's now nine. He's having an affair, you're sure of it. You were hypersuspicious of him then and of everything he did or said. He was the same way about you. Hurtful things are often said in haste and grudges are sometimes held for months, even years. Total irrational behavior.

Remember, each of us is a work in progress. Look inside and discover from whence all the doubt and suspicion come. When you do, you'll find you understand yourself more and can understand your mate more, as well. Marriage is full of hard times and hard lessons for which no one can ever prepare you. In the end, though, those are the things that give your marriage richness and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began. Realizing that makes forgetting slights and inconsistencies a snap.

And that is why I was able to forgive hubby for his shameful forgetfulness on the day of our anniversary. Well, that, plus dinner out, a box of Mr.Goodbars, and some cold hard cash.

I have a lot of faults, dear hearts, but being unreasonable is not one of them.