Okay. What's the deal here?

I got my flu shot a month ago, I have washed my hands so thoroughly I could perform surgery at any minute, I have steered clear of people with runny noses and hacking coughs and still I have been as sick as a dog the last two weeks.

I went to the doctor, took all the medicine he gave me, came home, and have been house-bound now for 12 days, six hours, and twenty-seven minutes. I have stayed warm, gargled with salt water, and taken aspirin every 4 hours. The only thing I haven't tried is doing a back flip 100 feet off a cliff. I may try that tomorrow.

I haven't lacked for medical advice either. "Take two tablespoons of rum with a teaspoon of honey," my cousin told me. "That will stop that coughing in nothing flat."

"Drink a cup of orange juice, 2 double expressos, and a little lemsip," said another.

"Two tablespoons of cider vinegar and a full glass of water," insisted my mother.

"Lemon juice," said by Alabama friend. "Lemon juice in a little warm water will knock a cough right out."

"Ginger tea and echinacea." "Garlic and onion." "Coconut oil." "Gooseberry juice."

"Strychnine."

I decided on codeine. 100%. I didn't cough anymore.

Of course I didn't wake up for two days either.

Let's face it. I'm too old to be sick. I can't take it like I used to. Neither can my spouse, who caught the bug from me a week ago.

Yesterday we entered into a suicide pact but scratched the idea when we couldn't agree on the timing.

He wanted to shoot first. Confined to the house, and because I can't stand soap operas and my head hurt too much to read, I surfed the web looking for new and unusual home remedies for curing everything from fever blisters to tooth itch. Some I found useful and some sounded like they were concocted by first graders.

A few facts:

..Whenever you sneeze, you're basically releasing a cloud of particles containing millions of infectious agents into the air at over 100 mph. (God bless you.)

..Germs can live for days on dishes and silverware.

..A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds of up to 60 mph.

..With only 30 seconds of use a handkerchief has been found to contain 15,000 germs.

..Colds are caused by over 200 different viruses, and they are not the same viruses that cause the flu.

And a few more words of advice taken, of course, with a grain of salt:

..During a cold, don't breathe through your mouth or nose. (What??)

..Avoid crowds. Stay in your room all day with the doors locked. (Make sure you have plenty of chocolate.)

..Stay in temperatures between 60 and 70 degrees. (Go to the beach.)

..Eat a balanced diet. No starches, proteins, or carbs. (Steak, potatoes, and green beans are exceptions)

..If you think you've caught a cold, call in a good doctor. (Heck, call in three or four. Play cards.)

..If you can't stop coughing, take a few laxatives. (You won't cough then, you'll be afraid to.)

Last (and definitely least), some advice from the man down the street:

"At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat. By then, your cold is probably cured."

Stay well, dear hearts.