I've said it before and I'll say it again. Weddings today have become more of a circus event than the solemn ceremonies they used to be.

You know how in China baby boys are favored over baby girls? I think that weddings are the reason why. The poor Chinaman with a mud hut full of females knew full well what lay ahead of him.

I also think Gung Fu was invented during the Chinese wedding season for the same reason.

What used to consist of a quick trip to the courthouse or justice-ofthe peace is now a royal pain in the…well, you know.

And it came to my attention long ago, having two sons, that it is infinitely cheaper to be the father of the groom than it is to be the father of the bride.

But then it is usually the bride who desires all the pomp and circumstance in the first place; I know that for a fact.

She plans the whole thing: the venue, the ceremony, the colors, the attendants, the clothing, the reception, the food, and usually the guest list.

As a matter of fact, there is a time worn phrase directed specifically to the mother-of-the-groom: "Wear beige and keep your mouth shut."

Now before I go any further, let me hasten to say I have a precious daughter-in-law whom I love dearly and who will soon present me with the most perfect grandbaby in the history of the world, but…

Men really do get the shaft when it comes to weddings.

First of all, left to them, weddings would be less the extravagant blowouts they are, and more the informal gatherings like…well, like tailgate parties.

Instead of the traditional white wedding gown, the bride would wear the groom's favorite: a little tight fitting black number.

Her flowers would be recycled either from a previous wedding or recent funeral.

The groomsmen and the bridesmaids would wear halter-tops and blue jean cut-offs. Flip flops for comfort.

The minister might be dressed as an Elvis look-alike.

The pre-ceremony background music would be something slow and dignified, like Metallica's "Fade to Black."

For the bride's entrance, something uplifting and poignant like, "Walk This Way," by Aerosmith.

And the groom would have his own music to walk in by, maybe something like "I Get Around" by the Beach Boys.

Songs that would be banned from the wedding would be "How Beautiful" and "The Wedding Song," both of which last longer than most marriages.

If weddings were planned by men they would be scheduled around whatever sport was in season.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party.

Men wouldn't ask, "What do you think, honey? The burgundy or the aqua colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from the local pizza joint.

Favors would be free theatre passes.

Vows would mention "cooking, obeying, and marital relations," but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

Instead of his brother or his dad, the best man would be his buddy from college because he's the only one who "knows all about" his sordid past.

Instead of a firm handshake as the father of the bride "gives her away," the groom would pat him on the back and say, "Thanks, buddy, I've been looking for somebody to do my dishes for a long, long time."

Instead of a sit-down dinner, there would be buckets of fried chicken, pizza, and plenty of barbeque. Hooters girls would serve and one of them would jump out of the wedding cake.

For entertainment, a bull-riding machine.

The couple would leave the reception either on a Harley or a soupedup truck with flame designs on the side. And finally, if the groom were in charge, the invitations would read:

Tom (Dick or Harry) is taking the plunge, grabbing the old ball and chain. Yep, he's getting married, because he either: (A) "has" to, (B) couldn't find a housekeeper, or (C) caved in to her ultimatum.

You know, that I've had more time to think about it, maybe the best thing to do when planning a wedding is to bite the financial bullet and call a wedding planner.

When my grandchild marries I'm going to suggest it.

Heck, I'll even foot the bill.