Dear Hearts and Gentle People

It's time once again for "Ask Mickie," this column's feature that answers all your most pressing questions, thus proving I'm smarter than the rest of you, and a lot less bored.

Dear Mickie: Our neighbors have a huge plastic Santa Claus in their front yard that is sitting on the hood of a wrecked car. All of us in the neighborhood are embarrassed by it since it makes us look like rednecks by association. What can we do about it? - Wondering in Washington.

Dear Wondering: Move out of the trailer park, redneck.

Dear Mickie: My in-laws are coming Christmas Eve. What should I make for dinner? - Lou in Double Branches

Dear Lou: Reservations.

Dear Mickie: Why did the guy I like break up with me right here at Christmas and invite my best friend to the company party? - Disappointed on Lovelace Road.

Dear Dissy: Because she is probably prettier and thinner than you. (I know it's unfair but that's life.)

Dear Mickie: My friend told me a secret about his girlfriend, and told me not to tell anybody. Can I tell my wife? - Honest.

Dear Abe: Only if the secret is really juicy.

Dear Mickie: Santa Claus did not leave me much last year. What can I do to make sure he leaves me more this time? - Tommy

Dear Tommy: Put an angry bull in your living room on Christmas Eve. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Dear Mickie: What's the deal with this crazy weather? When I leave to go to work it's freezing cold and when I leave for home I'm sweating through my clothes. - Hot at Farmers State.

Dear Hot: Sweating through your clothes? Really? Most people sweat through their armpits.

Dear Mickie: Why do people still think they can drive and drink without hurting anybody? - MADD member

Dear MADD: Why do people still think if they don't forward an e-mail to "at least 10 people in the next 5 minutes" they will have bad luck the rest of their lives? They're idiots, that's why.

Dear Mickie: My little girl cries every time she sees Santa Claus. What is wrong with her? - Edith in Elbert County

Dear Edith: She has Claustrophobia. She'll get over it.

Dear Mickie: I think I saw a sleigh and reindeer flying by my bedroom window last night. Am I crazy? - Anne

Dear Anne: Yes.

Dear Mickie: I asked Santa to bring me a laptop computer last year and he brought me an I-Pod instead . I was so disappointed I still cry when I think about it. What do you think? - Good Girl in Evans

Dear Good: I think you should quit complaining. I'm still waiting for the Princess phone I asked for in 1962.

Dear Mickie: All I want for Christmas is peace and joy in the world for everybody. - Merry Molly

Dear Merry: Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Mickie: At a Christmas party last week I heard someone refer to an attractive older woman, who was obviously on the prowl for a younger man, as a "cougar." Is there an equivalent term for an older man on the prowl for a younger woman? - Curious on Lily Way.

Dear Curious: Yes. "Pig."

Dear Mickie: Two questions: Why do my eyes water when I pull out my nose hairs, and why does my nose run when I pull out my eyelashes? - Sara in Woodlawn.

Dear Sara: Three questions of my own: Why don't you use clippers, why are you pulling out your eyelashes, and when did your meds run out?

Dear Mickie: Am I ever going to get a husband? - Single in Amity.

Dear Single: It depends. How are the traps coming?

Dear Mickie: Do you believe in Santa Claus? - Mrs. Callaway, Tignall.

Dear Mrs.: Do I believe in Santa? Why, you might as well ask if I believe in rainbows, in the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, or wishing on a star. (Short answer: No. What am I, 5?)

Well, there you have it, dear hearts. The second installment of "Ask Mickie." I hope it was helpful.

(And about that last answer, Santa, I was only teasing.)