Dear Hearts and Gentle People

A recent article in the British newspaper Daily Mail suggested that, while staring at our faces in the mirror may suggest vanity, looking intently at our reflection can be good for our health.

According to the article, experts believe that our faces reflect our state of well-being, and that problems often dismissed as trivial, such as bloodshot eyes, could be a sign of something more serious.

Some problems that may be revealed in the mirror are:

White rings in the eye: "A white ring bordering the colored part of the eye can be a sign of fatty deposits caused by high cholesterol," says Dr. Kevin Lewis, president of the Royal College of Optometrists.

Bloodshot eyes may be indicative of bacterial infection resulting from the use of old eye makeup or, says Dr. Dawn Harper, "It can be a sign of iritis-inflammation of the iris." Iritis can be caused by a viral infection such as gastroenteritis, but in rarer cases can be triggered by auto-immune diseases such as arthritis, which need to be treated with medication.

Pale Eyelids: If the skin inside your lower lids looks pale rather than bright pink, it could mean you are deficient in iron.

Twitching Eye: Possible cause: magnesium deficiency.

Drooping Eyelid: Possible causes: eye strain, stress, stroke.

Itchy Skin: Eczema, poor liver function.

Color change: Too much beta-carotene, jaundice, liver problems.

Spotty complexion: Irritable bowel syndrome.

Sallow skin: Dehydration

Premature Grayness in Hair: Pernicious anemia.

Bleeding Gums: Gingivitis, pregnancy.

Mouth ulcers: Stress, poor nutrition.

Small, sharp teeth: Tooth grinding.

Cracked Lips: Anemia, diabetes.

Pale Lips: Iron deficiency, poor thyroid function.

White patches on Tongue: Thrush. While all of this is quite informative, dear hearts, I feel the list is not complete. Allow me to contribute by adding these and other facial symptoms and their possible causes:

Turkey waddle under chin: Possible causes: (1) Genetic defect or, most likely, (2) too many mashed potatoes, gravy, and cat-head biscuits.

Swollen gum: (1) Pyrea, (2) Popcorn kernal lodged in between tooth and gum.

Red streaks at corners of lips: (1) Gingivitis, (2) misapplication of lipstick, (3) strawberry juice drool.

Brown flakes on eyelashes: Definitely, chocolate. Caused from falling asleep eating Mr. Goodbar, which melts on pillow.

Brown flakes in hair: (See last entry)

Brown flakes on face: (Ditto)

Green tongue: (1) Possible allergic reaction; (2) Eating green popsicle.

Hairy tongue: (1) Results from overgrowth of bacteria in mouth; (2) Kissing up on the family cat.

Stringy green mass between teeth: (1) Poor dental hygiene, (2) Broccoli, left over from dinner.

Bloodshot eyes: (1) Too much alcohol, (2) Staying up late eating chocolate, watching old movie reruns.

Drooping Eyelid: (1) Waaaay too much alcohol.

Spotty complexion: (1) Irritable bowel syndrome, (2) Measles, (3) Freckles, (4) Dirt.

Small, sharp teeth: (1) Tooth grinding, (2) Chewing on sandpaper.

Sallow skin: (1) Dehydration, (2) Wrong shade of foundation, (3) Death.

Gold or silver rings in the eye: (1) Fatty deposits in blood, (2) Chronic Old-Maid-ism.

Premature Grayness in Hair: (1) Pernicious anemia, (2) Teenagers.

I do hope these hints have been helpful. Next time you face your mirror, take note of what it says about your health. The mirror can be your best friend; listen to it; heed it's advice.

Either that or, do like I do, call it a low-life, stinking liar and bust the thing to smithereens.