Dear Hearts and Gentle People

I had intended to forego the writing of a column this week but changed my mind when I received a gem of a story from my wacko friend in Alabama.

Years ago stories like this elicited from me, at most, a groan but as I rapidly embark on geezerdom I can identify all too well with the confusion created when two seniors try desperately to communicate.

For the over-the-hill gang, enjoy. For you young folk who have yet to reach the day when your mind goes on holiday without you, remember the words of that beloved southern sage Lewis Grizzard: "It's comin', Clyde." MY DOG NAMED SEX

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too."

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old."

He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room for sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"

"But you don't understand," I said. "I want to have Sex on TV."

He said, "They already have that on cable. It's no big deal anymore."

Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said to the judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The judge said, "Son, this court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.