I read somewhere that what you do on New Years Eve sets the tone for the way things will turn out for the rest of the year. This has certainly proven to be true in my case.

I spent last New Years Eve lying on the sofa watching television while hubby sawed logs in his La- Z-Boy. I've pretty much done that the entire year and in all probability I'll be doing the same thing again this December 31. I simply don't know how my heart stands all the excitement.

Still, I always try to come up with newer and better lists of things to do in the new year but they just seem to (get ready for a cute pun)... go in one (y)ear and out the other!

So, to make things easier on myself, this year my list consists of a dozen things that I will NOT do.

1. I will not spend another dime on Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, or diet pills. I'll be doggoned if I'll live out the rest of my days continually counting calories and waging war with carbohydrates. Life's too short to eat just meat.

2. I will not "should" all over myself. If I don't want to do something then, by golly, I won't, regardless of whether or not I "should."

3. I will not attempt to exercise after having just eaten a Papa's Personal-Pan Pizza.

4. I will not laugh at jokes that I do not find amusing, just to be nice.

5. I will not worry about things/ persons over which I have no control. (This is a lie straight from Hades)

6. I will not keep an account of grievances against me. (I will, however, keep a list of those who have them)

7. I will not exaggerate. (Another lie from you-know-where)

8. When someone sends me a joke over the internet I will not reply with that stupid "LOL" thing, especially if it's not funny. (And what ever happened to "Ha Ha"?)

9. I will not lift anything heavier than a loaf of bread nor will I eat more than one loaf of bread at a sitting.

10. I will not stay up past 1 a.m. ever again, except on New Years Eve, as Jay Leno and I are now legally separated.

11. I will stop shooting at stray cats with my BB gun. (Oh, lighten up. I don't hit them. Besides, I'm a lousy shot.)

12. And, last but certainly not least, I will not take my fart machine to a funeral ever again.

I truly hope I'm able to follow through on these resolutions but if I don't I'll take comfort in the words of the late Mark Twain.

"New Years Day...now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

Happy New Year, dear hearts.