"I wish my brain had come with an owner's manual," said the author of an article I read recently. "I say so many stupid things and then wonder later what in the world was I thinking when I said them."

I can identify. I can't tell you the number of times I've put my mouth in gear before my brain was engaged or said something so utterly stupid I wished the floor would open up and swallow me.

Bill Cosby once said, "A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice." All of us have suffered from foot-in-mouth disease from time to time and wished we had remained silent and been thought a fool instead of speaking up and removing all doubt.

And all of us have done things that in retrospect we'd give up our Red Devil season tickets to be able to undo. We are human after all and sometimes the stupid in us just overrides the common sense and we say and do things that embarrass even the family cat.

On the other hand, when you think about it, it's pretty simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say or do and then say or do the opposite.

Of course, everyone deserves the right to be stupid. It just seems that sometimes people go out of their way to abuse the privilege.

For that reason I'm going to share with you "A Stupid Person's Guide to Life." If it does not apply to you it most certainly applies to someone in your house so feel free to share it and refer to it often.

1. Don't eat rocks.

2. Don't take naps in the road.

3. Don't stoke fires with your fingers.

4. Don't throw a brick straight up.

5. Don't breathe car exhaust.

6. For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fists.

7. Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

8. Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

9. The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for consumption.

10. Don't flip off the Mafia.

11. If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

12. Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

13. Light birthday cake candles from back to front.

14. Don't shave with a lawn mower.

15. Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things in them.

16. Don't stick screw drivers into electrical outlets.

17. Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not open them up and drink what's inside.

18. The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."

19. Don't iron clothes while wearing them.

20. The expression "Live life in the fast lane" should not inspire you to live in the road.

21. Don't chew on hot coals.

22. Don't escape in to jail.

23. Don't wash floors with cough syrup.

24. Don't kick porcupines with your bare feet.

25. Don't snap towels at passing cops.

26. Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.

27. Sell, at most, only one of your kidneys.

28. Don't lie down in a cattle pen.

29. Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.

30. Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.

31. Don't throw an angry cat straight up.

32. Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.

33. Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.

34. Don't go swimming in a well.

35. When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

36. Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.

37. Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

38. Elvis is dead. Get over it. 39. Don't drink.

40. Don't drive.

41. Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

42. No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

43. Give me all your money.

44. Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled brush.

45. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

46. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

47. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

48. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

49. Never say, "I hate football," if you live in Lincoln County and, most important of all…

50. Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

There you have it, dear hearts. You can't say I didn't warn you.