I trust all you mommies out there had an enjoyable Sunday and received, at the very least, a big hug and "thanks" from your offspring for having brought them into the world and showered them with all good things. If you didn't, well, there's always next year.

Mothers Day at my house, heretofore referred to as "Passover," was quite nice. Both of my sons were at least in the vicinity for the weekend and they waved at me from their trucks every time they passed by on their way to other places.

Okay, I jest. We had a really good time, my children and I, visiting with one another, laughing and talking about all the times during their childhoods when DFACS would have been called had I untied them and let them use the phone.

Seriously, they grew up pretty much like every other kid has through the generations, loved immensely by a mom who would have given her entire Paula Dean cookbook collection to see that they were happy and healthy.

Being a mother is, after all, one of the most thrilling experiences on earth and I am truly grateful for having been twice blessed. Raising two typical boys was, to say the least, not boring.

Living far away from parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, my boys and I sort of grew up together and I learned how to parent, flying by the seat of my pants, so to speak.

I learned the duties of a wife the same way. Neighbors and friends were endless sources of "tips" on the subject, and the Bible a daily guide, but for the most part it was trial and error. After almost forty years as a wife I'm still a work in progress, proving one is never too old to learn.

An article called "The Good Wife's Guide" which ostensibly appeared in the May 13, 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly is also proof that today's woman has "come a long way, baby" and though I'm not nor ever have been a women's lib-er, after reading the article I can promise you it was a journey well worth taking.

A cousin sent the piece to me and I immediately thought she was putting me on; it had to be a joke. I did a little research (precious little) and could find nothing concrete to dispute its validity so I set about trying to determine at what point some poor woman put her foot down and said, "Enough!"

I'm still looking.

The "Good Wife's Guide," as it appeared some fifty years ago, and some commentary from yours truly:

1.Have dinner ready when your husband comes home. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. [If I could actually pinpoint a time of arrival for hubby this would be a cinch. Besides, as many meals as he eats out during the week, one of them is bound to be his favorite. As far as a warm welcome…well, as the saying goes, "I told him I loved him forty years ago. If anything changes, I'll let him know."]

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. [A hot bath and a couple of Xanax usually does it for me.]

3.Be a little gay and more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. [While being a "little gay" for him might be anything but boring, I don't think either of us would enjoy it.]

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. [Look, if he can find his way to his lounge chair and the TV remote, he's happy.]

5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc., and run a dust cloth over the tables. [He won't notice. See # 4]

6.Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. [I tried hauling wood once, made a fire, too. It did nothing to "lift" me in any way. Got down in my back though. I'm "personally satisfied" to let R.E.A. provide the warmth.]

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces, comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. [Look, I'll give them the soap, a washcloth and a comb but that's where I draw the line. At 37 and 34 they're old enough to change their own clothes.]

8. Be happy to see him. [Got this one! I'm always happy to see my hubby, especially on Fridays. That's when I get my allowance.]

9. Greet him at the door with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. [I've tried this one several times. He said I always look like I've been "up to something"]

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. [This one calls for discernment. I waited once to tell him that the commode in the guest bath was leaking and we ended up having to replace the carpet in the hall and two bedrooms.]

11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his very real need to be at home and relax. [Okay, which is it, go out or stay in?? I'm not a mind reader.]

12. Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. [Right. Peace and tranquility. I can handle that, at least for a few minutes. As for the body and spirit thing, he can read a devotional book while he's on the treadmill. Problem solved.]

13. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. [Save those for just before the big game on TV.]

14. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. [Doesn't really matter, the chair or the bed, wherever he lands, that's where he stays. With or without the cool drink.]

15. Speak in a low, pleasant, and soothing voice. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. [The Xanax takes care of the voice but why would I be using his pillow and wearing his shoes?]

16. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. [That's what GPS, micro transmitters and hidden cameras are for.]

17. A good wife always knows her place. [And if she's married to a male chauvinist pig like the one alluded to in this list it's probably any place where he isn't.]

I do hope, dear hearts, that my advice has been helpful. As was the Rabbi's in the following story which, to be fair to good husbands everywhere, I have included:

A man goes to the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

"My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?"

The man then pleads, "I don't know why, but I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours. You want my advice?"

"Yes, yes, of course," said the man.

The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."