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"I just never thought I'd live to see the day a bank in Lincolnton would get robbed!" she exclaimed. "Lawd, if we aren't safe here in Lincoln County then there's no safe place left in the world!"
She has a point. I never even thought we'd have two banks, let alone have one of them robbed. But we did. And it's a shame. I hate it for the bank. I hate it for the poor tellers who must have been scared out of their wits, and I hate it for Lincolnton, and for what it once symbolized.....peace, harmony, and above all, security for its citizens. That's the bad news.
The good news is that we caught the thieving creeps, one of them so shortsighted as to attempt a getaway on a bicycle, of all things. By the way, if you must be robbed it is always preferable to be robbed by someone who was not, let's say, the valedictorian of his graduating class. That way you stand a pretty good chance of catching the culprits.
Crime is never funny, dear hearts, and I realize that. But one has to smile sometimes at the utter stupidity of some would-be thieves who haven't got the brains God promised a gnat. Yes, from time to time we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of ignorance while also breaking the law. In other words, they were guilty, but mostly stupid.
Consider the following:
A man robbed a bank in Pittsville, Mass., then forced the teller to give him the keys to her car, which he used for his getaway. This resulted in the most-quickly solved bank robbery in the town's history.
A man in California made a grave mistake when he picked a bank to rob that was no longer in business. Another robbed a bank with which he was familiar and ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
In Modesto, California a man, Steven Richard King, was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. He used his thumb and forefinger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Another man went into a bank, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty bag over his head as a face mask....then realized he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
Note to would-be bank robbers: Lincoln County may not be in league with NYPD but, by golly, "vee haf our vays!" and we will catch you. Count on it. Only the dumbest of criminals attempt bank robberies. Bank systems are equipped with miles of video tape; the money is clearly traceable, and the local authorities, the GBI and FBI have more profiling and surveillance capabilities than you can imagine.
Laugh if you will. The spirit of old Barney Fife may be alive and well over at the courthouse and at city hall but, by golly, you can believe this. If you try to rob a bank in Lincolnton.....your tail is toast.
I don't care if you arrive on a bicycle, in a pick-up truck, or you're dropped off in a stretch limousine, if you're even thinking of messing with the folks in this God-fearing, mind-your neighbor's-business little town, you best toodle on down the road and, as many a nemesis of Matt Dillion's has said, "get the heck out of Dodge!"
We'll be watching for you, too. And we'll be ready, you can count on that. We're going to put a stop to criminal activity in this town no matter what it takes. What would old Barney say? Oh yeah, we're gonna nip it..."nip it in the bud!"
Heads up, dear hearts!
