When one of my sons was three years old he and I were shopping for groceries when he glanced around and announced in a loud voice, "Mama, everybody is my friend!"

While I appreciated his idealistic, youthful take on life at the time, I have learned that in reality we most certainly cannot be friends with everybody, though at times in our lives it may seem so.

If your childhood was like mine it seemed you had more friends in elementary school than at any other time in your life. Of course, your list of friends changed with every passing minute. "You aren't my friend anymore, Sally, so na-nanny, boo-boo stick your head in doo-doo." Remember those days?

Friends were a dime a dozen back then but somehow we couldn't get along without them. All through grammar and high schools, we changed our best friends like we changed our underwear, some less, some more.

Check out the signature pages of your old yearbooks if you don't believe me. Most of the entries will end with sentiments like, "Your friend forever;" "You will always be my very best friend;" or for some of you oldies, "Yours 'til the toilet bowls!"

I can still remember a classmate telling me, "You can't be my best friend but you can be my second-best friend." And that was in college.

Life is tough, with friends or without.

Someone has said if you get through life with only one true friend, you are lucky. I suppose it follows that if you end up with bunches, you are either phenomenally lucky or, in my opinion, just plain delusional.

I am lucky. Having lived in three states and moved twenty some-odd times since 1968, I have made a few life-long friends that I'd be lost without. There's something to be said for living a transient lifestyle for, without family nearby, those friends who become our support system away from "home" become our lifelines in later years.

There are a couple of friends who live in neighboring states that I am quite certain will be there for me until "the toilet bowls." We talk on the phone weekly and e-mail almost daily.

Sadly though, friends I thought would never forsake me have moved on to other people, other places, other things. I like the line in the movie Beaches when Bette Midler tells her childhood friend, "You took your friendship away without even asking me." We've all known friends like that.

Last month, like so many trumpedup holidays, was designated "Best Friend Month."

I received a few on-line greetings designating me as "best friend" and was amused at the sheer number of names in the addressee space. Best friend. Yeah, right.

What defines a true best friend? My list of definitions would be too long to print but I recently ran across a dogeared sheet of paper that offers 20 Ways to Show a Friend You Care and who knows, maybe you'll find a tip or two you may can use with your friends, your best friend, or even your second-best friend.

To Show You Care:

1. Give her $175,000 for her birthday.

2. Give her dog a bath. (If the dog already owns a bath, give it a Jacuzzi.)

3. Clean out her refrigerator, throwing out everything that expired in the Renaissance.

4. Wax her car.

5. Make her something to eat. If she gets sick, comfort her with Pepto- Bismol. 6. Squeeze the zit on her back.

7. Fill her mailbox with flowers.

8. Bet her on something you know you'll lose on.

9. If her car is scratched, sandblast the rest of the paint so she won't notice the scratch. 10. Send her a tape of a funny video.

11. Balance her checkbook for her.

12. Applaud when she walks through the door.

13. Create a perfume and give it your friend's name.

14. Paint her toenails if she can't reach them anymore.

15. Go shopping with her.

16. Go shoplifting with her. (That's a joke.)

17. Paint her house. (Permission optional.)

18. Sit with her when she's nauseous. (Be ready for clean up.)

19. Laugh at her antics, whether or not they're funny.

20. Tell her she looks thin, and then treat her to a milkshake.

If you are willing to do any of the aforementioned things, you are a trueblue friend and are to be commended.

Now, some ways to tell if your best friend doesn't like you:

Does she avoid returning your phone calls or e-mails for months at a time?

Does she encourage you to take up hobbies like cliff diving, cobra training, or chainsaw juggling?

When you tell her your deepest secrets, does she write them down?

When you go out for lunch, does she insist you take separate cars and eat at different restaurants?

Have you had at least three close calls since you agreed to name her as sole beneficiary on your life-insurance policy?

If you answered yes to one or more of these, it could mean your friendship is not what it used to be. Be adult about it and move on. Of course, if you insist on keeping her as a friend I'd definitely bump her to "secondbest." In a heartbeat. If you decide, however, to cut your

losses and dump her, write her a nice Dear Johnnie letter and, by all means, don't forget some unforgettable, meaningful parting words.

Na-nanny Boo Boo...